Wednesday 2/14

I knew this morning that I was having a hormonal/emotional day. It was a good day this morning but I was extra sensitive, on  the verge of tears most of the day for no reason at all and very tired. I should have told Bo so he could be on high alert for the maniac that was to appear this evening because he probably would have seen it coming. But I didn’t so he had no idea. We had a relatively great day. We got some extra stuff done, more than just feeding the kids and cleaning only what we needed to use for the day like we have been doing these past few days since we got home from the hospital. We ate meals ourselves today, we (Bo) got our bedroom all cleaned out, moved some furniture, I made a run to starbucks to get us a coffee treat and get a breather while Gideon was resting. A beloved friend who I love and never get to see brought us a ton of food, gifts for the kids and the mama encouragement that she has a special way of sharing that always makes you feel better about yourself when you’re with her. Another friend dropped off more gifts and freezer meals that families from our co-op made for us. But then tonight I snapped. I am exhausted, it was loud, there was chaos and it all just became too much and I completely snapped. I threw myself a little fit and had a tantrum and behaved like an out of control toddler. The kids cried, I cried. Then I apologized to each of the kids individually and made somewhat of a forgiveness lesson out of the whole deal, about how mommy doesn’t deserve their forgiveness and it’s not ok how I behaved and they don’t deserve that and I’m so thankful that Jesus forgives us when we make mistakes and teaches us how to forgive one another so we can do the same and they were all too quick to forgive me and give me kisses and hugs. (run on sentence much? Oh well…) Then I went to talk to Bo and sob my eyes out about what a horrible example I am to my children and how it FEELS so awful the way I behaved because I would rather teach them grace and gentleness rather than humility and forgiveness though I know all are lessons that need to be learned. I just want to be a better example of grace and compassion so they learn to respond that way rather than snapping and throwing a tantrum.  Everyone tells me to lower my expectations for this stage of life. To dump things that are not essential priorities, to delegate things that are and to have more grace for myself and realize that too many episodes of Daniel tigers neighborhood or auto b good won’t completely wreck my kids and that I’m not going to totally trash Elijah’s entire education because he is 6 now and we haven’t done anything school related (with curriculum) for 4+ weeks now. I get it, I’m ok with that, I hear it in my mind but I don’t feel it in my heart. Then I look at this picture. Our very first picture of all 6 of us together and just cry at how blessed we are, how blessed I am to have these 5 men in my life, in my home, under our roof together and wonder when I will FEEL that in my heart through the day to day struggle of balancing and managing it all. Bo has stepped up a ton, he KILLED it today going above and beyond to help keep me afloat and even still, I lost it and couldn’t hang. Plus, it’s Valentines day. My parents dropped off a gift a few days ago that I forgot about until just now (kids are already in bed), another friend dropped off some candy for them that I also forgot about until just now, I got Bo nothing. Well, I did get him something very small that will be delivered on Friday but not a card for today and I’m the one who pushes to celebrate holidays and waste $$ on cards for each other and he got me the sweetest card from him and one from the kids and I didn’t even make the time to make him one with printer paper and crayons. Ugh. Add insult to injury. All that to say, it was an awesome day until I snapped but I still realize just how blessed we are. Medically, Gideon seems to be doing great. He got bumped to 4 hours between feeds at night last night and did great. He got increased to 30 minute pump feeds today and did great with that. He breastfed twice today and did awesome both times and took 30 ml by bottle one of his feedings which is the most he’s ever taken by mouth so that’s awesome as well. We see his pediatrician tomorrow for our ‘newborn’ visit with him and will get another weight then, his breathing has been great, his pulses are good, he poops way too much and sleeps great. Life is slowly coming back into Elijah’s eyes since it disappeared there for a while for the past month until times like tonight when I snap and crush his spirit in 1 second flat with some harsh words but it’s so good to see his eyes coming back. We are blessed. I may be an emotional train wreck tonight due to exhaustion, hormones, a mix of both, who knows, but I do realize that I have it pretty good here. I just hope it starts feeling like that soon so I can feel like we’ve got it handled. Right now, I think about Bo going back to work and it scares me. But I know I have tons of friends and family to help and while it’s hard to ask for help, I have and am so happy to receive it because it keeps us afloat. For the most part when I don’t snap and lose my marbles. LOL.

Prayers: For me to find my marbles. And get my heart in order.

For us all to stay healthy and continue making progress and improvements everyday with getting down a new normal and a healthy, happy routine, especially as Bo returns to work.

Continued weight gain for Gideon and cardiac/pulmonary health for him and a good doctors appointment tomorrow.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I can’t say it enough. Really.